Tantrums 101

You are at the grocery store. You’ve been dreading this trip all day - or even all week. Finally, the need for fresh produce won over any trepidation you had about packing up your little one and heading to the store. You have your strategy rehearsed - run in, grab the milk, peppers and cucumber and go straight to the checkout. This should be easy - right? Fantastic plan until you remember that you are fresh out of canned tuna, and you just remembered the lightbulb that burnt out in the hallway last night. And the meltdown starts as you pass the cereal aisle…

Your pulse quickens, your face gets flushed, and you try to sound calm and in control as you reason with little Tommy about why he doesn’t need another box of McYummies (more importantly the free toy that comes-with-purchase). You know what is coming next. Yet again, you struggle with whether the begging, screaming, grabbing is worth the embarrassment. What is one more box - it won’t go to waste, right?  Wrong (of course!)

Sometimes ‘giving in’ to our children’s behaviours is just what we have to do at the time. The situation calls for expediency and you think to yourself that you will ‘deal with it later’. That is where child psychology comes into play.  I often tell parents that children have us (parents) figured out far better than we have figured out our children - making them mini parent-psychologists.  Children figure out how to make a situation meet their immediate needs.  They learn to know what buttons to push, how hard, and for what purpose.  Don’t get me wrong - children are not inherently ‘malicious’ or ‘conniving’ - but their innocent desire to get their demands (note I say ‘demands’ vs. ‘needs’) met on an instantaneous basis has resulted in excellent knowledge of how to achieve their goals.  

Getting back to the grocery store scenario, what are we doing when we ‘give in’ to our childs demands?  What are we teaching them?  Firstly, we teach them that if bad behaviour doesn’t get you what you want, just get badder.  Secondly, we teach them that adults say one thing but do another (that classic “do as I say, not as I do”).  And finally, if children learn by example, what example are we setting if we do not respect ourselves and our limits enough to enforce them?  Again, there is always room for compromise, that is what makes the world go around.  And there should always be times where we are happy to enforce the rule “all rules are made to be broken.”  But parents have forgotten that children need and thrive on consistency and boundaries.  Yes, they will resist and test those boundaries - especially if they have never been in place before.  But the rewards are great and your children will definitely thank you for them later. 

If you are struggling with your child’s difficult behavior and would like some professional feedback from a psychologist who works with children and their families, then please visit my website (www.pottytrain2day.com) or email me at: tanya@pottytrain2day.com.

Happy Parenting! 

Potty Training 101

Yes, Potty Training. That special time in the parent-toddler relationship that seems to be able to wreak havoc on life as you have come to know it… Why does it seem to happen just as you can finally heave a sigh of relief as a parent - having just made it through the first couple of years relatively unscathed. Is my child sleeping through the night? Check. Are they saying their ‘please’ and ‘thank you’s’ at the correct time so that we look like good parents? Check. Are they learning to dress themselves and love to explore and be independent? Check. Eating with utensils? Check. Bathed and hair brushed on a daily basis? Well…

Even for the “seasoned professional,” - that is, a psychologist in independent practice - potty training poses its own challenges. My daughter Kate is 27 months going on 27 years in some ways, and in others it feels like we are dealing with more issues with her than with our 5-month-old twin infants. Every day is a strange and interesting new challenge. But we are all learning, and sometimes even laughing through it all… However, she is independently using the potty throughout the day, and we celebrate with her all of her magnificent achievements in that regard (she thrives on feedback)…

Potty training doesn’t have to be a time of great stress.  The fantastic thing about potty training is that once you start, you know there is ultimately an end.  Soon your little one will be diaper-free, and no longer will you be able to look at him or her and call them your ‘little baby.’  For some, losing that baby-ness is reason enough not to try too hard.  Keep trying though - your children depend on you to help them reach their developmental goals and achieve success in all of their endeavours.  Expecting your children to achieve goals, and demonstrating your unconditional love for them while they try, fail and try again is how they achieve a secure sense of self and their abilities.  If children are a reflection of ourselves, then we can try to consistently nurture qualities such as high self-esteem, respect for others, and a desire to achieve goals.

If you are a parent who would like some professional advice and feedback on your experiences with potty training, or other difficult child behaviors, please feel free to review my website at: www.pottytrain2day.com, or email me at: tanya@pottytrain2day.com

Happy Parenting!